Now, this one’s a bit raw and a bit serious. It’s not the type of thing I typically share because:
a) it’s pretty negative, I don’t want to bring people down, and
b) it’s not somewhere I’d like my head to return to at this stage in my healing journey.
HOWEVER, once in a while I think it’s important to:
a) look back and appreciate how far you’ve come and what you’ve been through, and mostly
b) show the rest of the world what this feels like, especially for those recently diagnosed who can hopefully find comfort in relating to these feelings with the knowledge that it WILL get better – I promise you it will.
So, here’s my diary entry two weeks post-Hashimoto’s diagnosis:
“After being diagnosed with Hashimoto’s a couple of weeks ago, I have spent a good amount of time grieving about it and some other time (albeit probably less) trying to be positive.
Over the last couple of days, I’ve been feeling energetic and happier; perhaps this is the dietary changes? I have been inspired by Izabella Wentz’s book (The 90-Day Protocol) and completed tests to help me dig into my “root cause”. I’ve also had supplements delivered by my naturopath to help me feel better. These are all good things.
Friday came around and my working week ended in a positive way. But then there came Friday night…
I suddenly felt this overwhelming sadness. Why can’t I do Friday like a normal person?!
I can see people going into bottle shops with friends carrying crates of beer and bottles of wine. Families are doing their food shopping in the mall and buying every type of food that I’m no longer allowed to eat. I’m so envious. I feel deprived.
I wanted to surprise my partner with a delicious Friday treat meal or buy us a takeaway or take us out on a fun date. I was thinking about a bar holding a comedy night… typical date night stuff.
But I can’t.
And then I feel guilty. It’s not just me who is deprived – I’m depriving my partner of all the frivolous, fun, adventure-filled and easy breezy life that we used to have.
It just feels cruel. And my thoughts circle back to how they played out two weeks ago…
No fair. Why me? I’m fit, healthy and active?! I make a conscious effort to live this way.
Why now? I’m 25!
Will I ever be able to live a normal life?
This is changing me… I am a free spirit, an adventurer, an experimenter and an open-minded, spontaneous, energetic person. I have such a lease for life… or had.
Now I feel limited, restricted – full of dull and strict routine. I have to plan everything and think about every little decision I make and what impact it might have on my health. I just want to be free. I want to be normal.
Now it seems like my choice is between living as per the horrible adjectives above or leading a life riddled with horrible symptoms (thanks, Google) and accelerated disease.
Not the ideal options. Why can’t I turn back time?
The cherry on top? A negative, anxious and stress-filled mindset will only make this worse. So where does that leave me?”
I don’t share this information to get attention or to make people feel sorry for me. I share this information in the hope that people will go about their days with more empathy.
Everybody is facing a battle we cannot see, and this is particularly true for those living with invisible illness.
Secondly, and most importantly, if you have just been diagnosed with something or even received some news that feels scary – I hear you, I feel you. You’ve GOT this. Given half the chance, your body will heal itself. The body’s natural state is to be healthy.
You’ve just got to put in the detective work to get to the bottom of your WHY (root causes), whilst supporting and encouraging your body along the way. And don’t worry – you are not alone. The chronic illness community is AWESOME, and we’re here for you. The people you love are here for you.